How Becoming A Health Coach Led Me To An Eating Disorder

To be completely honest with you, when I sat down to write about this, I didn’t really know where to begin.

Most good stories, that keep us engaged, start right back at the beginning or simply drop us in the middle of the action.

But the crazy thing about the particular eating disorder I am going to share with you, is that, it’s notorious for sneaking up slowly and being extremely hard to identify.

So, I guess I’ll start with the moment I was able to identify it, and when, word-by-word, I rode my metaphorical bike to the top of a hill and started to roll rapidly down it, into a big mess of shame, guilt, relief and most importantly … hope.

I was sitting at my computer, in my childhood home, having recently moved back to Victoria with Jase, to finally build the online business of our dreams, whilst connecting with our grass roots and our families.

On this day, I was avidly researching disordered eating patterns for my second passion - my copywriting job.

It was rather disturbing the statistics I uncovered …

Like, did you know that in Canada the mortality rates for Anorexia Nervosa are 12 times higher, than all other causes of death COMBINED, for women aged between 15-24?

Or that research suggests 1.2 million people in the UK are currently suffering from an eating disorder?

My heart cracked wide open as I read through this information, uncovering these devastating figures.

If anything, it was motivating me more to truly support women in developing a positive relationship with their bodies.

I’d known my own eating habits could lean towards a little obsessive, but I justified this as a dedication to being healthy or ‘making up for my past poor choices’.

I prided myself on an awareness of my values, making decisions that aligned to my health goals and my understanding of nutrition.

(I later learnt this is called ‘ego-syntonic’, but let’s not go there just yet)

As I was reading along, I started exploring an eating disorder that I’d heard about before, but never truly looked into …

Orthorexia Nervosa.

It isn’t as widely known as other disorders, but never-the-less, there is a diagnostic criteria that I proceeded to read.

And I ticked off …

Every.

Single.

One.

You see, in becoming a health coach, I was learning more and more about the impacts of foods.

And through this knowledge, I was making more informed decisions about what I put into my body.

I was living in Queensland, spending time with other health coaches, and we would all share the things we were learning and the places we could source the healthiest food options.

We would reinforce the beliefs we each held over certain foods and discuss our utter disbelief and confusion, at other people seemingly not caring about ingredients or food choices.

But at what point did my own food choices cross over into something more sinister and in fact, unhealthy?

I called it discipline, self-control, will-power, dedication … but it had moved beyond self-love into something else entirely.

Fear-based eating.

Perfectionism.

In order to understand further, allow me to share the criteria with you …

Orthorexia Nervosa can be diagnosed as the following behaviours;

• Preoccupation and worries about eating impure or unhealthy foods and of the effect of food quality and composition on physical or emotional health or both.

• Consuming a nutritionally unbalanced diet (elimination of entire food groups) owing to beliefs about food ‘purity’ ie. no carbs, no fats, no animal products etc.

• Rigid avoidance of foods believed to be ‘unhealthy’, which may include foods containing; preservatives, fats, animal products, sugar, additives etc.

• Excessive time spent reading about, acquiring and preparing specific foods.

• Guilty feelings and worries after transgressions in which “unhealthy” or “impure” foods are consumed.

• Intolerance to others food beliefs or flaunting of ‘good’ choices.

• Spending excessive amounts of money relative to one׳s income on foods because of their perceived quality and composition.

• Impairment of physical health owing to nutritional imbalances, e.g., developing malnutrition because of an unbalanced diet.

• Social isolation as a result of restrictive eating or eating habits.

• Severe distress or impairment of social, academic or vocational functioning owing to obsessional thoughts and behaviours focusing on beliefs about “healthy” eating.

You’ve likely heard the saying that in the moment of death, ones life flashes before them.

Well, it’s safe to say, that a part of me immediately began to die in this moment, and the last few years of my life proceeded to play out in my mind, like my very own feature film.

I fell witness to the countless moments I had refused social invitations, due to the food not being ‘good enough’.

I recalled the extreme lengths I had gone to in order to source food, if I ever went away, driving an hour and a half at times, to get to the nearest organic or whole foods shop or cafe.

I saw myself turning down water at friends houses and cafes, because it wasn’t filtered.

Spending hundreds of dollars a week (sometimes upwards of $600) on produce that met my standards, whilst studying and earning minimal wage.

I replayed hours upon hours of time spent in the kitchen per day, holding me back from progressing in my business and life.

The rigid meal plans where I would rotate my proteins or vegetables, so that I wasn’t eating the same meats two days in a row.

The moments I would feel intense guilt for eating handmade Italian pasta, sourdough or something else with gluten in it.

The times I would point out the ingredients in the foods others were eating when I disapproved.

The high standards I held myself to and expected others to meet in order to be ‘healthy’.

The fatigue I constantly felt from avoiding all starchy carbohydrates.

The digestive issues I struggled with from lack of fibrous foods or certain beneficial bacteria strains.

The friends I hadn’t spoken to for so long, because I was so wrapped up in my version of a ‘healthy life’.

The belief I had been holding that the body couldn’t ‘heal’ without the ‘cleanest’ possible foods and that one ingredient could ‘undo’ it all.

The pressure I had placed on myself to be embodying perfection, because ‘how could I be a health coach?’ if I didn’t.

Saying ‘no’ to any food where I couldn’t see the ingredients, despite someone reassuring me it was ‘healthy’.

And the shame I felt over indulging in the occasional wine.

I sat there in my office chair, my eyes glossing over as it hit me.

Some of the heaviest tears of my life fell down my cheeks into my lap, as I admitted to myself ...

I was a health coach who had developed an eating disorder.

I didn’t need a professional to tell me.

I'd lived it.

And I spent the next week allowing myself to fully feel every icky, uncomfortable, bit of it.

The reality was …

Food had begun to consume my life.

And I had an unhealthy relationship with healthy food.

It is at this point in the story that it’s important to note, somewhere in the midst of this already developing eating disorder, I moved into a house with mould.

The mould was a huge trigger for escalating the behaviours, because I became extremely unwell at a rapid rate, was bedridden some days (a story for another time) and food was amongst the only things I could ‘control’ in my life at the time, in order to feel like I was surviving it …

But once I moved out of the mould, I was already in depths of orthorexia and had no idea.

The choices I was making were ego-syntonic after all, which means - behaviours, thoughts or impulses that are consistent with, or acceptable to, an individual's self-image and values, causing minimal or no distress.

Basically, it was flying under the radar because I was a health coach and believed what I was doing was best for me.

(Where as ego-dystonic behaviours or disorders are those where the individual is often aware that their obsessions and compulsions are irrational and distressing)

It wasn’t until we moved back to our small country town, that my partner started to finally ‘put the foot down’ and express how concerned he felt noticing the extreme lengths I was going to in order to meet my own expectations …

I’d begun driving 3.5 hours fortnightly to source food in the city or ordering it online.

My behaviour had become far more obvious with the change of environment and I was immediately being challenged due to the limited resources.

Slowly, I started to unravel my disordered patterns and become more flexible with my eating.

It wasn’t easy, in the early days I often felt distressed or guilty, but in a small town, I didn’t have much choice and I was desperately craving connection with the people I loved.

Over the weeks it noticed a real shift in my anxiety levels and a number of big realisations took place.

I could see that I’d placed an unrealistic expectation on myself and in doing so, sacrificed so much happiness.

I realised that through behaving and eating the way I had been, I was modelling an almost unattainable and unrelatable lifestyle for most people.

I also learnt, that whilst it can be necessary to go into stages of restricting certain foods, in order to maximise healing potential for a period of time, it doesn’t have to be the way that you live.

The body is resilient and can handle the occassional indulgences when we create the right conditions and are thriving.

These lessons, along with finally facing the reality that I myself had a disordered way of eating, allowed me to let orthorexia go and move into a place of gratitude for what it taught me.

I spent the immediate weeks following my discovery apologising to so many people, for allowing my eating disorder to take up space in my life where our relationships once existed.

It was a deeply emotional, but relieving process, uncovering how it had consumed me.

And I can honestly say, there was not one person who I shared it with that didn’t offer compassion and love in return.

No one said ‘I knew it’ or ‘I thought you’d taken it too far’.

When I told mum (who I’d been living with the past few months) she simply asked me ‘What do you need from me?’

And I said, ‘I’d really love to start saying yes when you offer to cook, without needing to control what is in it, can you just tell me the ingredients whilst I get used to it.’

This might seem a little crazy to someone who hasn’t had orthorexia, but … she did.

And I was able to really enjoy her wonderful cooking again.

Not long after this, I was sitting at a restaurant with a friend and I ate my first handful of potato fries in over 4 years, without worrying that the vegetable oil was going to ‘damage my cells beyond repair’ or taint my ‘perfect seed oil free diet’.

Another seemingly small moment which felt like an enormous step forward.

I felt no fear that it would ‘undo’ all of my hard work.

I didn’t worry that I’d start eating them all the time.

I just enjoyed a chip with a friend and sat back with a smile.

I felt lighter.

I felt hopeful.

It was the end of a really long and stressful road.

And the start of my ‘real’ healthy relationship with food.

That was over a year ago now and whilst orthorexia will always be a part of my journey, being able to acknowledge and accept that I experienced it, without feeling any shame or judgment …

Feels truly liberating.

I guess I’m here sharing this to say that, there is life on the other side of disordered eating patterns, or whatever else you may be struggling with.

And it all starts with allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel, perhaps having difficult conversations with those you love, surrounding yourself with people who will support you and taking small steps in the right direction.

Thank you for reading.

If you made it this far, I hope you gained something from this.

And if you did, I’d love for you to let me know.

Perhaps you have been struggling with an unconscious need to control something in your life?

Or maybe perfectionism is holding you back from truly thriving?

You might have identified your own unhealthy relationship with food?

Either way, feel free to reach out.

You’re not alone.

And if you suspect you may be battling with orthorexia yourself, here are some excellent resources to provide further insights;

https://www.news-medical.net/health/Diagnostic-Criteria-for-Orthorexia.aspx

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0033318214000504?via%3Dihub